Text of an email to the Erie County Clerk

Hello again.
I am writing you this email to make it very clear that there is no dog at [Address Redacted for the Blog.]

On multiple occasions, whoever you have hired to deliver notices to houses has left a note, probably because the previous owner of the house affixed a PERMANENT SIGN to our house saying "beware of dog." However, I am currently unemployed and I have been home EVERY TIME these notices have been placed in the mailbox.

By the way, the placing of non-mail in the mailbox is ILLEGAL, just FYI, thought you should know.

If your employee had KNOCKED, he or she would've been told there is no dog.

If your employee walked up the three steps to the porch, she or he would've seen that we have, in fact, crossed out the word dog on the sign, to make it abundantly clear that THERE IS NO DOG HERE. If your employee were not blind-and I've got to say, thanks for hiring the disabled, it makes the world a better place-she or he could've seen the sign had something written on it from the street.

If your employee had looked at our property outside, or approached the property in any way, she or he might've heard barking from next door, or across the street, but only an idiot would think that I could have the landscaping I do have *and* own a dog...In fact, I own birds and cats...but no dog. Pardon me if I assume your employee isn't both blind and deaf...but, again, if she or he is, thanks for hiring the disabled, as someone who has advocated for the disabled, I appreciate it.

I know you are not a biologist, but I assume your office can tell a bird from a dog. Heck, my bird doesn't even BARK, although he does say 'Hello' and MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SOMEONE IS ON THE PORCH, which your employee could not be bothered to step onto to leave said notes. Pardon me if I assume your employee is not blind, deaf, and in a wheelchair as well. If she or he is blind, deaf and in a wheelchair, I've got to say you're not making a reasonable accommodation for them if you expect them to do a job that requires looking for a dog, listening for a dog and leaving notices which are designed to slip on a doorknob ON DOORS instead of in a mailbox.

But I digress... Let me make it clear than EVERY TIME a notice has been left, we have called the number on the notice to make it clear THERE IS NO DOG HERE...we've never spoken to a human on the line, even when we've called back repeatedly...If your employee is a blind, deaf, wheelchair bound person who you don't accommodate properly who is also incapable of speech, again, let me commend you for placing such a person in a job in this tough economy, but in that case, the phone line needs to ring someone ELSE's desk.

Today, we received a "final notice" letter from your office. This makes it abundantly clear that your employee is not responding to phone calls saying there are no dogs at the residences he or she leaves notices at...how on earth could there be a final notice when we've RESPONDED TO ALL OF THE PREVIOUS ONES?

I am writing you to verify that someone at your office is aware that we have no dog, and also to point out that one thing that there IS at [Address Redacted for the Blog] is a biologist who is available for hire to do the job your employee CLEARLY CANNOT DO, either from a massive assortment of disabilities that your office refuses to accommodate, or laziness. I can't see how there are any other choices... either she or he CANNOT do the job, or she or he WILL NOT.

So let me tell you about what being a biologist means. To begin with, I can tell a dog from a bird, I can tell a porch from the sidewalk and I know that if it's not mail it doesn't go in the bloody mailbox. Also, I, unlike your employee, respond to messages left on my voicemail, rather than just ignoring them.

I've been out of work now for more than a year, I get unemployment, at least for a few weeks more, but that barely covers my bills, and I've had to defer my student loans, the ones I took out to go to college and become a biologist so I could know a bird from a dog. I'm willing to go down to 25,000/year at this point, as long as I can have health insurance. 25k for someone with 2 BAs and an MS? That's a bargain, even in Buffalo.

You see, without a job, I cannot afford to replace the door with the permanent "Beware of Dog" sign affixed to it. The side effect of my not being employed, however, is that if someone can be bothered to knock, I will be home waiting, waiting on the resumes I send out every day, waiting on the phone calls, waiting for someone in your office to respond to a call.

I am very sorry to say that if the threatening letters and notices continue-by the way, whatever attorney screens them is doing a crappy job, too, as they are quite threatening and easy to take offense to, I know a lawyer who is looking for a job, but she's way more expensive than me-we're going to have to take some more dramatic measures...like involving more media than blogs and the twitterverse, or calling the mayor, or something.

All we'd like from your office is an acknowledgment that you understand that there is no dog here. Please call our house, we've left you messages, and say into our voicemail that YOU KNOW THERE IS NO DOG HERE... or, send a letter, you have our address. Or shoot me an email, or tweet me at @labgrrl, just give us some way of verifying that you know there is no dog here...some way that we can point to the next time this comes up, so that if you do, in fact, sue us over the imagined dog, as your office has been threatening for more than a year, we can have some form of evidence to take to the court to give the judge something to laugh about as hard as those on twitter and my blog have been laughing about the demand for a license for a non-existent dog.

Or, if you prefer, we can arrange a time where I will personally surrender my invisible, imaginary dog to your hands. I studied many things at the [redacted for the blog] in my youth, including mime, and the youtube hits would be a GREAT way to start my political life... maybe you could bring one of those invisible dog harnesses you sometimes see in joke stores? Or I could pay for the invisible, imaginary dog's invisible, imaginary license with invisible, imaginary money? I have a LOT of invisible, imaginary money.

But I don't have a dog, so stop harassing me about it.

[Signed w/legal name]

Post Script: This email is being shared with the blogosphere...as will responses to it. Any emails sent to labgrrl@labgrrl.com DO NOT HAVE AN EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY or non-publication.

"Quick" Slow-cooker cassoulet

...and here's the recipe to re-create the cassoulet we had today. As many of you know, I tend to prefer to make labor-intensive meals in large quantities, and this one was pretty much all pre-chopped or made earlier (I make huge amounts of stock and can it, we use it frequently):
Into a crock-pot:
1-jar each (pint) chicken and turkey stock (could replace with 2 14oz cans, I suppose)
1 14.5 oz can wegmans organic tomatoes with garlic, oregano and basil
1/2 of a bag of "stir fry" frozen peppers and onions
1/2 cup of chopped onions (I used frozen)
1tsp of minced garlic (I used some from a jar)
1/2 of a bag of wegmans organic dried great northern beans
1 and a little over lbs of wegmans wine and cheese pork sausage, cut into 1/2 inch thick "disks" and browned in a frying pan before adding to crock pot, with a touch of olive oil.

Cook on low for 12 hours, or high for 4 and low for 4 or until it is basically an evenly mushy texture with discernible pieces of sausage. Serve with crusty french bread. om nom nom.